


The Line You Don't Cross is Family. The Line You Do Cross is Dumb Crossovers

by sombreromoustache



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Food Poisoning, Gen, Guns, Mocking the Show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-05 21:38:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20280220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sombreromoustache/pseuds/sombreromoustache
Summary: Frank Reagan's family has been poisoned, and he has signed up the best the NYPD can offer to solve this brutal crime that crossed him and his family! Can the heroes he entrust solve the case? I mean, yeah it's a safe assumption in a fic of a murder procedural show that they'll solve the case. This isn't like Miami Vice where the characters often don't succeed. But this is going on too long. You're here for the dumb crossover and the memes that I'm going to write in while I dunk on this show I enjoy.





	1. Chapter 1

“Do you know why I’ve called you here today?”   
The three individuals stared at the floor, themselves, and the NYPD Commissioner. No one answered his question. They didn’t know how.  
“Someone has crossed me. They broke into my home and hurt my family,” the very act of saying those words hurt him, “I want you to find who did it, and bring them to justice,” he graced each of them with a look in the eye, “Can you do it?”   
All three stood up.   
The gem answered first, “Yes, Commissioner.”   
“You can rely on us!” the frog assured him.  
“We will bring the perpetrator to justice,” the robot declared.

* * *

**Three days earlier ******

* * *

It was another day in the life of the Reagan family. They were going to have their Sunday lunches where they would all bicker with each other about some case that Danny was screwing up and Jamie would enjoy being picked last. Frank was looking forward to this routine and they had all picked out deliciously mediocre food that white people pretended to enjoy for this Sunday meal. His father Henry already had an epic dunk for all three of his grandchildren. But then it happened.   
When Danny, Erin, and Jamie bit into their brisket and mashed potatoes, they became down with the sickness. Danny vomited out a mini cannon that had been loose in his stomach and also vomited where he fainted on the floor. Erin sneezed out dozens of blank pages where the writers had intended to give her screen time and then also fainted. And finally Jamie. A guy walked in and hit him on the head with a baseball bat before disappearing into the ether. He got the sniffles and fainted from both occurrences.   
This sent Frank on a warpath. Someone had intentionally messed with his family. He had several doctors look over his children and they noted there was nothing that could be done. They needed a cure, or just wait for their sickness to pass. But Frank could not wait, he needed justice to be served. Whether it was within the realms of the law or not.   
So Frank gathered three officers that weren’t doing anything to his office to give them a real personal job. One that had to be done at any cost. Going after the commissioner’s family was a big deal. Especially when Frank was the main character.   
But none of the people that Frank hired were cops. In fact they were just people that his secretary had grabbed off the street because every other detective was busy doing their actual jobs and weren’t interested in his revenge scheme.   
Abigail first grabbed Garnet as she was doing some stuff with Steven. Garnet just shrugged and went with her, reasoning with Steven that she just lets these things happen cuz they interest her. Then Abigail stopped at Kermit the Frog’s house. Kermit owed a great debt to Frank after he cleared his gambling bill with the New York Yakuza, and Kermit promised that he would answer any call that Frank would make.   
And then Abigail found E-123 Omega wandering around. Omega had been abandoned by Shadow and Rouge who had gone to make out in a taco truck. Omega was in the friend zone once more, but to alleviate robot boredom, he agreed to do this bullshit police work.   
Omega, Kermit, and Garnet met each other in Frank’s office when he summoned them. He instructed that they needed to find the perp, or something would happen. Frank didn’t know what, but assured him that when he and the writer found out what it was, it would happen.   
Kermit asked, “Uh, so,” he wasn't sure if he wanted to know what Frank had planned, so he switched his question about the case, “What will our resources be?”  
“If you’re asking about firepower,” Frank assumed whilst pulling out three glocks from his desk, “This is what I provide.”  
“The Doctor made every part of me a gun. I have no need for such primitive tools,”   
With one glare from Frank, Omega took the gun anyway. Kermit was used to holding a gun after it being one of his quirks, but Garnet fumbled with the device for a little bit before handing it to Kermit.   
“Uh, thanks. But, what else will we have to help us in the case?” Kermit asked again.   
“Oh yes. You’ll need a ride,”   
A cut to the next scene had them in the police station parking lot or wherever the parking lot was at Frank’s building. I’m not too sure. I watch the show enough to meme on the characters but not enough to know the intricacies of their buildings. Anyway at the parking lot was Bertie the Bus.  
“This is Bertie! He’s the best damn bus around!” Frank declared, then slapping his roof, “This bus can help you solve so many cases, but you only need to solve one! Find out who poisoned my family!”   
“We’ll do it, Chief,” Garnet said.  
“That’s commissioner,” Frank insisted.  
“I know what I said,”   
Frank fumed but he jumped back into his office where he did his real job.   
The frog looked at the bus, gem, and robot, “Alright, gang. So, should we. Interview someone?”   
“I believe the tall woman has future vision. She is likely to possess knowledge on who it is we need to speak with,” Omega droned, excelling on his Steven Universe trivia.   
Garnet nodded and tried to concentrate on who might have witnessed the person who poisoned Danny, Erin, and Jamie, “We need to find Larry.”   
After a commercial break Garnet, Kermit, and Omega were standing beside Larry the Lobster, “Where were you last Sunday during noonish?” Kermit asked as Omega pulled out a notebook to doodle Larry’s ramblings while Garnet stood back and looked tough.  
“The same thing I always do. I was landscaping their garden while they were makin’ lunch,” the lobster explained, “The things those crazy people say.”   
“What sorta landscaping do you do?” Kermit asked.  
Larry shrugged, “Oh anything really. If you got the cash and I got the tools, I’ll do whatever you want! I was already building an ivory tower for Danny.   
“Did subject Danny request this ivory tower?” Omega questioned.  
“No actually. It was his granddad who asked me. Said it was to prank him,”   
In a basketball court on the other side of the city, Henry Reagan dunked a ball into a hoop.   
“Did you notice anything weird? Like someone coming into the house that didn’t belong?”   
Garnet adjusted her sunshades as Larry thought of this question, “Now that you say it, I did see this robot that was hanging around, but he was gone before I could get a good look at him.”

* * *

Now that chapter one is over, Kermit, Garnet, and Omega continue their investigation into this stupid ass fic’s plot. Tune in next time where the author will conclude this week’s episode with an answer that will hopefully make you lul!


	2. Chapter 2

Frank Reagan was sitting in his office, working on things that NYPD Commissioners do. Not really sure what that is because it seems like Frank’s character is more of a political figure than a law figure. He was signing some papers when his thoughts wandered to his family. His blood boiled and his mustache turned a few hairs grayer.   
Why would someone hurt his children like this? I mean, they were all representatives of the law and likely have made hundreds of enemies from their actions, so it’s not too much of a stretch that someone would order a hit, but they weren’t dead. They were all poisoned and unconscious.   
“God damn it! What does it all mean?!” Frank demanded.   
The silence came over him.   
He tried desperately to find meaning. Why would someone try to hurt him? Try to hurt his family?   
There is an answer as to why as Frank would find out, but there wasn’t a meaning that he would ever find beyond the perpetrator’s own reasoning.   
Human beings have tried to give meaning to things since the start of civilization. We give meaning to the celestial bodies, to the organisms around us, and even to our very own existence. We try to give what we even create meaning. The meaning. That there’s something deeper. That there’s something below the surface that will open our third eye and let us speak with Jesus.   
But the truth is, humanity has been a simmering stew of pretentiousness. Too arrogant to accept that things merely happen. There must be a greater meaning to our suffering.   
Or perhaps, our search for meaning is but a coping mechanism, to look away from the monsters and to look at one’s self. Surely all this suffering has to mean something? All of this death has a purpose?   
But there is no meaning. Beyond the reason for suffering, too often there is little meaning.   
And so, to look away from the monster, we try to find what the monster means to us.   
There wasn’t a meaning to Danny, Jamie, and Erin being poisoned. Not that Frank would find. Only what Frank would create.   
There was a knock on the door, and three weirdos came in. Frank pulled out his government licensed minigun to convince them to leave before remembering that they were the weirdos he hired to solve the dumb case I had written.  
“Commissioner! We have a lead!” Kermit declared, waving his arms around.  
“Yes. We have confirmed the identity of the perpetrator,” Omega droned.  
After Larry pointed them in the direction of the robot, Garnet used her future vision to learn that Spider-Man knew about this robot. They found him and asked where they could find this robot. After a sketch that Kermit had to commission him for, they found the robot was in the art style of Akira Kitamura.   
“And so we have concluded that Dr. Wily was behind your family’s poisoning,” Garnet explained.   
“But where is Dr. Wily?” Omega asked.  
“That’s a good question,” Frank looked out the window, “That madman could be anywhere.”  
And I’ll tell you just before the characters find out. He’s in the empire state building. And then they found out when a big tremor shook them off their footholding. They fell on the floor as dust covered New York City. When the dust settled, they saw what was the Empire State Building had been transformed into a giant mech. A giant mech in the image of Guts Man, the Lover of Dr. Wily! And who was piloting this giant mech? Why, Dr. Wily!   
And the prom was tomorrow! Henry would have to take Nicky to her high school dance.


	3. Chapter 3

The Empire State Guts Man was walking towards Washington. Dr. Wily realized that if one mad man can sit on a throne, then he should be able to rule the United States and legalize gay robot marriage.   
Frank Reagan, Kermit the Frog, Garnet, and E-123 Omega watched in horror as Dr. Wily’s evil scheme sprung from nowhere. Frank regained his composure and ordered his recruits, “I need you three to stop that Guts Mech from leaving the city! That’s taxpayer money walking on concrete!”   
“You can count on us, Commissioner!” Kermit said  
“What will you be doing?” Omega inquired.   
Frank looked at all three of them, “Calling in a favor.”  
He left his office then heard glass shattering. He stopped to look back, but continued on his task. He knew they would handle the Empire State Guts Mech.   
And indeed they were. Omega unleashed all of his weapons on the Mega Man boss, Garnet gripped one of the mech’s feet and pushed it back, and Kermit went Super Saiyan, deflecting the Guts Mech’s attacks from destroying anything from New York City.   
Frank was driving to an old Fire Department that had been once ordered to be torn down, but three independent investigators had taken up shop before it could be destroyed, “Alright, Ghostbusters. I’m calling a favor.”

* * *

Kermit was punched into a taco stand by the Guts Mech and Garnet was kicked into Bertie the Bus who had been forgotten by the writer after putting in a Thomas the Tank Engine reference. Omega ran out of ammo and ran to a gun store to refill. Dr. Wily had no opposition, “Bwahahah! You fools! No one can stop me! Come Guts Man!” the Guts Mech stopped, “Not like that. Anyway, COME GUTS MAN! WE ARE GOING TO BE KING OF AMERICA!”   
“Not if I can stop you!” Dr. Wily turned and so did the guts Mech. There they saw the Statue of Liberty, slowly approaching the Empire State Guts Mech. Inside Lady Liberty’s skull was Frank Reagan, controlling the only gift France ever gave the United States with an NES Advantage. Frank had no idea what video games were but he managed to figure it out after a quick google search.   
“And now, Dr. Wily. I end this!”   
Dr. Wily laughed in a French accent, “Go ahead! Liberty cannot defeat science!”   
The Guts Mech threw a punch at the Statue of Liberty, but in a quick reversal, Guts Mech was thrown back into his original spot, temporarily dazing Wily and his lover.   
“Now then!” Frank Reagan yelled like an anime protagonist as he ran from his cockpit while the statue jumped into the air with her arm raised. Frank ran and climbed to her hand until her grip reached the main office/pilot’s room of Guts Mech and he hopped inside. Following him were Omega, Garnet, and Kermit the Frog, “Alright, Dr. Wily. Ready to face justice?” Frank asked, cocking a shotgun that he pulled from his coat.   
Kermit aimed both of his guns like a gangster, Omega aimed... himself, and Garnet summoned her gloves. Dr. Wily upon realizing his lover could not help him anymore pleaded for mercy by begging on the ground. He was placed under arrest.

* * *

“I can’t thank you three enough for your help. Not only did we stop Dr. Wily,” Frank Reagan thanked them for their valiant help.  
“But we also found the cure for your family, YAY!” Kermit cheered, flailing his arms about.  
Garnet raised a thumb while Omega was processing all the bullshit he had to deal with.   
“When will they wake up?” Frank wondered.  
“If my calculations are correct,” Omega began.  
“They’re awake,” Garnet already used her future vision to see Jamie, Erin, and Danny walking into the dining room.  
“What the hell is going on?” Danny’s default mood of angery flared up, “And who the hell poisoned us?”  
“I mean, you two were poisoned. Someone hit me over the head with a bat,” Jamie rubbed his head from the bump.  
“And I’m not afraid to do it again!” George Castanza declared before galloping away.   
Frank, Garnet, Danny, Kermit, Erin, Jamie, and Omega looked out the window, “Should we run after him?”   
“Ah forget that,” they all turned around and saw Henry with a Music Player Remote in his hand, “Let’s party!”   
He pressed the button and a disco ball emerged from the ceiling and from his stereo sound system, the song Celebration by Kool and the Gang played. Almost immediately everyone began dancing to this song. It was a good time seeing Kermit and Frank doing cheesy disco moves. Everything had been solved and for a little bit, the day was saved. NYC was at peace.   
And Henry dunked his grandson into a hoop where he stayed there while everyone else had fun. Jamie loled and stole his job. Erin dabbed.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is what happens when all your family watches is Blue Bloods.


End file.
